I watched the Billboard Music Awards so you didn’t have to

I guess this makes me a hero. You weren’t going to watch them anyway. I had a free Sunday night to make fun of the music industry and look at pretty dresses. It was a win-win!

Now, before I begin, let’s ruminate on the value of the Billboard Music Awards. I’d like to think that there is some value in this whole charade, as Billboard provides the most relevant measure of success in the music industry. However, having never watched the BBMAs (I assume it’s okay to call them that) before, and having never heard of them until this morning, I can’t make that assumption. Plus, the promos are showing Florida Georgia Line, and that’s never a good thing.

It’s obvious the BBMAs don’t hold as much weight as the Grammy’s, or the VMA’s, or even the Teen Choice Awards, for that matter, but I’m certainly not going to put it in the shameful pantheon as the egregious iHeartRadio Music Awards (HAIL CORPORATE) or the American Music Awards. At worst, the BBMAs are probably just another excuse for the music industry to jerk itself off, and there are a lot worse reasons to put on fake award shows. At best? Well, I don’t really know what to expect. Maybe a drunken acceptance speech? Some awesome pyrotechnics? A nip slip?

Let’s find out!

8:01

I hate it already; there’s already some ESPN cross promotion (Disney…stahp…). There are worse things than Pitbull and J-Lo singing the new World Cup song (which actually isn’t that bad), but this entire event is already one giant commercial. At least Claudia Leitte showed up, so you know, diversity. Plus dancing girls. Always a plus.

8:05

WAIT RICKY MARTIN IS PERFORMING…I’ll stick around.

8:08

Shania Twain is announcing the first award; I wonder if they decided to hold this thing in Las Vegas so none of the artists had to move. (Off the top of my head, Vegas bands: The Killers, Panic! At The Disco…ERM, this is hard). Imagine Dragons wins Best Rock Album. They last sounded good with Kendrick Lamar on lead vocals.

8:16

This OneRepublic song being performed right now apparently charted in three countries. I can’t name a single OneRepublic song. I think this means I should stop pretending like I know things about music

*listens for one minute*

Nope, never mind, these guys make Coldplay sound interesting.

8:19

I can’t help but to think that this Ariana Grande and Iggy Azalea performance promotes the incorrect message about white girls rapping, female body image, and Grande’s (disappointingly terrible) vocal abilities. Ah well. I’m probably going to download both songs twice because booty.

But seriously, Ariana should just let the track run by itself.

8:25

KELLY ROWLAND STOP SELLING CARS YOU’RE DESTINY’S CHILD

8:33

In honor of Florida Georgia Line and Luke Bryan, I’m unveiling my top-5 list of things I hate less than happy country music.

1. When my suitemate tells me there’s M&M’s still left in the bowl, and I go there and discover that there are NO M&Ms.

2. Pictures of spiders

3. Spiders

4. The spring equinox

5. That thing of when Saturday Night Live does a really good sketch that one time and decides to make it a recurring joke that loses its luster after I already watched the first iteration on Hulu a dozen times.

8:35 

The camera cut away for a split second as Shakira was pulling down the top of her (FABULOUS) dress. I was a bad camera operator away from almost predicting a nip-slip, ten points for me?

8:44

And the award for Top Billboard 200 Album goes to…Justin Timberlake! Who didn’t show up because he’s on tour! And made a really good joke about being surprised while holding his already mailed trophy! There’s hope for tonight!

8:47

The apparently 11 year old singer of this band is wearing a Misfits bro-tank. I’d call it punk if I didn’t want to continue pretending like I know stuff about punk.

So…they’re called 5 Seconds of Summer. I gave them three. Beef jerky break.

*eats beef jerky*

Best decision of the night so far.

8:56

I totally forgot that Ludacris was hosting this thing, kinda like how I totally forgot that Ludacris was good once. Also, Lorde just read her acceptance speech off her phone. Take that, boomers.

9:09 

How one spots a liar: some dude with red hair just claimed “Imagine Dragons” was here to “slay us all.” Also, why is this band’s drummer the band’s least compelling drummer? Lastly, Imagine Dragons sucks eggs.

9:15

And the winner for Top Country Artist is…Luke Bryan! Who has two first names and (I’m guessing) is popular where I don’t live!

9:18

A very very disturbing Michael Jackson hologram is performing right now…I’m going to need more time to process this. These were my thoughts from the Coachella Tupac hologram done two years ago, and I think they still apply.

9:30

Halfway home. I want to quit, but apparently The Flaming Lips are going to perform. That’s worth ninety more minutes of self-loathing, right? Also, more ESPN cross-promotion…but it’s okay because RICKY MARTIN right???

9:40

Wait, something needs to be explained to me. Katy Perry just accepted her award for Best Female Artist from abroad due to touring conflicts…except I swear to goodness I JUST saw her perform…tonight…on this awards show. Umm

9:54

Nicki Minaj! Where has your face been?? We all miss you! But now Lorde is performing. Can you two, like, switch places please? Vegas needs some Beez in the Trap.

Wait, Lorde dances like Ian Curtis. I now love Lorde and take back everything I just wrote.

10:00

Carrie Underwood and Miranda Lambert are currently wiping their stilettos on all of tonight’s other performers, including zombie Jacko. It’s like the BBMAs found some actual singers or something.

10:05

A ticker just came on screen saying “John Legend performs in 4 minutes.” You know, in case you were thinking of doing literally anything else.

10:07

WAIT IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN…Miley Cyrus can’t be there to accept her award for “Top Streaming Artist,” but they’ve been teasing her upcoming performance all night…on this awards show. WHAT’S GOING ON??

(They must be recorded. They have to be. Which means they had to fill the MGM Grand twice with people who didn’t want to be there. Oh goodness, the complications of live television. Also, Miley said the shit word and it was bleeped perfectly. I’m calling a telethon of shenanigans on ABC).

10:15

Florida Georgia Line look like the first musicians genuinely excited to win an award tonight. Also, is this “Country Radio” that they and a few others have been referencing tonight a genuine organization? Has boardroom jargon from Clear Channel Nation seeped into our lexicon? This scares me.

10:24

Jason Derulo, Snoop LionDogg, and 2Chainz are currently performing a medley about female bottoms, and there are a significantly larger number of male bottoms on stage than female bottoms. Not that I’m complaining, I just wonder if there’s something that Derulo is hiding from us (which would be awesome, because he’s pretty and stuff).

10:27

Okay, so the Miley performance is being done from her tour currently in Manchester. Which can only mean that Katy Perry owns a teleportation device. Also, THE FLAMING LIPS. Night saved.

Wayne Coyne is kissing Miley’s feet and wearing an inside-out one piece woman’s bathing suit (with printed anatomical muscles). They’re singing The Beatles both dressed as a phoenix. I would like a collaborative album, please.

10:35

“The ass…actress I’ve been dying to see all night: J-Lo!”- Ludacris

Hey Luda, what’s worse than a Freudian slip? A stripped…scripted Freudian slip.

10:39

Robin Thicke is currently treating the BBMAs as his personal “Say Anything” boombox. I understand he wants a better relationship with his wife and everything (whoever she is, I’m not even going to Google it), but couldn’t he have done this at the Polaris Prize or something?

10:43

Timberlake just won the award for Top Artist and made a pretty fantastic acceptance speech from abroad (“It’s not a competition, but if it is, I won! And I’m okay with that!…I’d like to thank everyone on Earth, except for Donald Sterling”) It’s too bad his album wasn’t this good.

10:58

I think…I think the BBMAs ran out of show with ten minutes to kill…or J-Lo really likes to give acceptance speeches. Either way, it was FOUR MINUTES LONG.

Final Thoughts

Everything sucks. I regret it all. I’d like to forget the Michael Jackson hologram, please. Death to Clear Channel, Ticketmaster, Live Nation, and iTunes. I love you all and will never ever watch the Billboard Music Awards ever again.

 

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